“They are so ungrateful” is a comment my husband and I make about our sons more often that I would like to admit. We wrack our brains at how our children, who have bountiful blessings, could be so out of touch with how fortunate they really are. Now, our family is by no means in a situation where we have a ton of financial excess, but we have always had enough. Our children have never not had basic needs met, along with extra needs. We reason with them and try to explain what they have compared to children who have starving bellies, absent parents, or basic medical care. And yet they complain, grumble, and are quick to justify fairness in what they think should have.

It’s only been over the last couple years that I’ve come to the realization that you can’t really teach gratitude through mere words. Me commanding them to “be thankful” will fall on little ears that lack the ability to comprehend. Gratitude must be learned through deed. Gratitude must be learned through experience. Gratitude must be learned through lack. We don’t know what we have until we don’t have it. We can’t understand blessing until we’ve felt burden. We see that clearly as Jesus sought the lowly, weak, and overlooked. They knew what deprivation felt like, so they were eager to welcome the One who gave them exactly what they needed. Healing. They had already reached the end of themselves and were ready to follow the One who could provide for them in ways no government or material gift could.

Here’s where we get it wrong- when we think fancy vacations, expensive shoes, elite sports teams, and elaborate birthday parties will win their little hearts. We seek to earn their favor by feeding them with things that satisfy their flesh and then fuss at them because they aren’t thankful for what we’ve provided. We love them by giving them things of the world, rather than things that will feed an eternal, Kingdom mindset. We give them more than they need and then punish them for not handling the gift well. Or worse, we overbless them and train them to expect extravagance for the rest of their lives. So when they start to learn about following Jesus- they don’t see the need. Why? Well, because they are drowning in their wants.

How can we strive to raise grateful children? 

1. Modeling gratitude. If we do anything for our children, it should be modeling what it looks like to be thankful. That means when we lead our families in prayer, we praise God more than petition Him. As a good gift giver (James 1:17), then, we thank Him for providing all we need, even if we don’t have everything we want. We candidly admit that lacking material things is a blessing that reminds us the God gives us what we are meant to have.

2. Asking for forgiveness. Humility and gratitude are friends and when we are quick to confess sin or grievance toward our children, our heart posture will be soft. Our attitudes toward the littlest image bearers will be much more inclined to be gentle, rather frustrated and harsh. And it is that softness of heart will draw our children to notice something different in us as parents. 

3. Sharing experiences. We should be looking for opportunities to serve others alongside our children. How will you respond when you see someone homeless on the side of the road? How will your family serve an elderly neighbor? How will you include your children in preparing a meal for someone who is grieving? How will your family react when you hear about a tragedy? These experiences lend our kids to ask questions that open doors for conversations they (our children) initiate, rather than us manipulate.

4. Suffering well. It is inevitable that we will go through trials throughout our parenting, and through the rest of our lives. It is how we handle the trial that our kids will remember most and likely not the details of the trial itself. So when things come our way, will we count it all joy? (James 1:2-4) Will we continue to honor Him by saying He is still good, even when things are not? Will we continue to prioritize reading our Bibles and praying with our kids when we are stuck in our own emotional rut?

This list is by no means a recipe for success in procuring children of gratitude and the active tense of the verbs used indicates that these suggestions are ongoing. There is no final and perfect product because we, their parents, can’t save our children. However, these things will help us raise children to see outside of themselves and as a result, reach an answer to the burning question we are all born with- “Why am I here?” The answer to this question can only be found in Scripture, through the words that their Maker (and ours) wrote for all to know Him better. The answer to that question is: we exist to glorify God (Isaiah 43:7, Revelation 4:11; Colossians 1:16; Romans 11:36). As they grow to understand who He is, they will grow in understanding of who they are. And it is only when we, as humans, recognize our limits and how needy we actually are that we can appreciate His grace. The grace that is given freely to those willing to follow the One who came to save them. The grace that leads to gratitude because it is utterly and wildly undeserved. 

Feeding our innate desire to be loved with material things will cripple our kids, and us. We can’t recognize our neediness if we are given everything all the time. And when children are given much, they may miss their need for Christ. How do we raise more gratuitous children? We show them Jesus.  Yet, to show them Jesus means that we must be walking with Him ourselves. How often do we remind ourselves of God’s work in our lives? When was the last time we reflected on our desperate need for grace? Do we find ourselves neglecting to be satisfied with our lot through discontentment, comparison, and envy? 

We need the gospel as much as our children do. We must commit to walking so closely with our Lord that His Spirit can correct our own ungrateful hearts. Because it is only when our own hearts are in check that we can model Christ to our children.

Our children are always watching us, weighing our words, and wondering why we do what we do. We can strive to make Jesus our “why” and trust that God will grow gratitude in the hearts of those we are called to shepherd.