There is something about going back to where it all started- your childhood town, your “home.” Driving into a familiar place, on streets that are seemingly unchanged has a way of filling me with nostalgia. As I found myself dodging potholes that remained from decades before, I noticed myself looking left and right replaying scenes from the past in my head. It was like the ancient art of flipping through tv channels as my memory was plagued with past relationships and poor decisions made many years prior. Many of those relationships eventually fell apart at the seams and against all odds, those reckless decisions didn’t sink me too far in a pit that the Lord couldn’t lift me out of. 

I look back to who I was when I lived in this town and while many people whom I love dearly still live in it, it’s hard to come back. It feels like looking in a mirror and remembering the worst parts of myself. The echoes of doubt, shame, and sadness that leave my body tired and mind clouded are so loud. All throughout my childhood, teenage, and early adult years, I operated in darkness. I was too proud to admit I didn’t have it all figured out so I drowned myself in school, extra-curricular activities, and sinful relationships. I was able to hide through the cracks of my parents divorce and pilot my life in the shadows. I may have gone to church growing up, but ended up rejecting the God who seemed too far to see my hurt. I filled my head with worldly things, sampled substances for distraction, and fed my flesh with intimacy my young body wasn’t prepared for. I was on a swift path to destruction.

Little did I know, the God I rejected throughout my early years would be the same God that met me in my mess decades later. He was never too far out of my reach, yet my darkness convinced me He was. I can confidently say that the seeds of the Gospel planted in my youth, eventually got watered and birthed new life in me. The familiarity of worship music and the comfort of a crisp Bible in my hands was like muscle memory. I may have been blind and deaf to the offer of a better life then, but now I confidently say it is true- life with Jesus is infinitely better than life in the trenches of sin. God’s mercy and goodness chased me down until I was so broken and battered from life that I was too tired to run. The promise of a life filled with light was too good to resist. The promise of a home that doesn’t change, even if circumstances do. Like a moth to a flame, I have been consumed by Him and can say that I no longer thirst for the world and its empty promises. I look back on who I was and where I came from and can only praise God Himself for his protection and provision over my life. I do not look back on the past with reminiscence, as Lot’s wife did when she thought she was leaving all the good behind. While she was stopped in her tracks as a pillar of salt for looking back with longing, I can look forward and say that Jesus tells me “I am the salt and the light.” Because I have been forever changed, I have the opportunity to help others taste and see that the Lord is good. And oh, is He good.